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“I Am The Culprit, Not My Sister”: 26 People Share Their Deepest And Darkest Secrets

Some secrets we want to take to our grave. Others we can share with the world anonymously without fear of our loved ones finding out. Researchers claim there are 36 common secrets that most of us keep. An average person keeps approximately 12 of them. Keeping some things to yourself is just common sense – you shouldn’t go around telling others what your social security number is.

But people also keep other secrets – those that are less serious and harmful. One Redditor asked fellow netizens for their darkest and deepest secrets. And although not everyone delivered on the ‘darkest’ part, some of their answers were pretty humorous and entertaining. Do you have something similar you want to get off your chest? Let us know in the comments!


I couldn’t pick up the pieces after my divorce. Would go weeks without showering or brushing my teeth. I found my “baby blanket” from my youth in a trunk and wrapped it around myself that night. Best sleep I had had in years. I keep it in my bed since then. I am a 42 year old man.

Image credits: jrwhill


My grandfather stole a red pepper shaker from an Italian restaurant many years ago. The year after he passed, we went to the same restaurant. In honor of him, I stole a parmesan shaker for a matching pair. R.I.P. Grandpa.

Image credits: AlternianGamer99


I farted so bad and smelly once they had to evacuate my Spanish class to search for a gas leak.

Image credits: DaiperDaddy


When I was a child, I managed to get a speech therapist fired.
I was in speech classes up until high school, but this happened around 3rd or 4th grade. I don’t know what her official title was, but she was not the speech teacher I would see regularly. She was an older woman, probably around her 60’s. I believe she was there to examine how well the speech therapy had been going in the distract.

She had me read sentences with the sounds and letters I struggled with. As this was happening she mocked me and she laughed at, while telling me I had the weakest tongue she had ever seen. As a child with speech impediment I was already self conscious, but for an adult authority figure to belittle me like that, it made me never want to speak again.

Once the school day was over, my mother noticed I wasn’t very talkative. Eventually I broke down and I told my mom about the whole situation. She called the distract and threatened legal action. We were notified soon after, that the woman had been fired. There was even a phone call between my mom and the woman, where she had begged my mom for forgiveness so she could keep her job.

I suppose none of this is really a secret, just something I don’t talk about often. Her own actions are what led to her termination.

However secretly I do hope I ended that woman’s career, as callus as that may sound. You don’t mock a child and you especially don’t mock a child for something they can’t control. To do so when your career has you working with children, shows you’re unfit for that role.

Image credits: PeachyPunks


When I was maybe 7ish I went to the grocery store with my mother.
When she was checking out I went to turn the gumball machine to see if anyone left quarters in there and didn’t spin it all the way. Well one of them was broken and I spun the sucker until my pockets were full of gumballs.

When we got in the car my mother asked what was in my pockets. And I told her “nothing”. She still knows nothing to this day.

She did however say “if one of those machines was broken and you just kept turning them, that’s stealing.”
I sure fooled her!

Image credits: firefistus


Live in the only major urban center in a very rural area where there’s all kinds of suburbs, road construction, gravel pits, etc.

Whenever I see heavy equipment that doesn’t get moved or is left unattended, I sneak into the worksite at night, climb in the *always* unlocked bulldozer or whatever the f**k it is, and proceed to lay on the horn in the dead of night before scrambling away.

It has been a decade since I started and I think now I’ve honked the horns of just about every type of heavy machinery that has one.

Image credits: bizarreizarra


I deliberately flooded my family’s basement to stop them from selling our house, because I didn’t want to move. It worked. The buyer backed out and we stayed put.

Image credits: Secret_Identity28


As a teenager in the 90’s my house/ yard was always getting toilet papered and egg’d.. Somehow it was my fault and my parents would be pissed at me and make me clean it up every weekend. I found out the a*****e who was doing it and took a big nasty s**t in a plastic bag and put it in his mailbox. All the s**t stopped immediately after that. Not my proudest moment but I think it got my point across.

Image credits: shibbs1027


In grade 7 I didn’t want to do my book report so I didn’t go take out a book from the library. When the project was almost due I had a sudden change of heart because I didn’t want to get in trouble from my parents who were extremely strict. It was too late to go to the library to get a book because my teacher would have known and told my parents. So I completely made up a book with a fake title and fake author, did my entire book report and even drew a bonus picture to illustrate my “favorite part” of the book.

The teacher told me I would have gotten an A if she was able to find the book in the library when she looked. I acted as if I had no idea where the book had went and I swore up and down that I returned it to the library.

Image credits: CaptainMagnets


I’ve lived a boring non secretive life, but my great Grandfather once told me a story of when he killed a man with a baseball bat for trying to rob the bar that he owned, and the regulars of the bar stashed the body somewhere and nobody ever talked about it again. He then put his finger to his mouth and said “shh, don’t tell anyone”. So there ya go. Sorry Gramps.

Edit: This happened in Brazil back in the 60’s. Gramps is long gone. Did it really happen? I have no idea, but it was Brazil … something similar to that probably happened during the time it took me to type this edit out. Brazil do be like that.

Image credits: BrazillianNuts09


I think I’ve just been faking being a good person all this time. Like i’m not a naturally good natured person just someone who suppresses the urge to do bad things. I feel that deep in me is a sense of hatred for everyone and everything around me which in result makes me feel like everything I do, the things I say, and the connections I make isn’t genuine.

Image credits: DeejHeno


I once said I only had five avocados in self checkout when I damn well knew there were six avocados in that bag.

Image credits: nez477


Not really a secret but a desire. To live a life of minimum. I want less of everything. I sit in wonder at the complexities that go into making a single day happen. I have zero wants in life. I feel all they do is take from you.

Image credits: Previous-Stretch5740


In 1996, I was 6 years old and a friend told me that computer mouse balls were worth as much as gold. Stupidly and with no plan, I stole one from the classroom computer. Our teacher got extremely angry and I got really, really scared I’d get caught. He had us all leave the room and go in one by one so that whoever stole it could anonymously put it back. I was too scared that somebody might see so I didn’t put it back. He exploded on us. The next day, I was going to try to secretly return it, but a kid randomly emptily confessed that HE was the one who stole it and his mom went to the store to buy a new one. He stood in front of the class with a written apology and everything. I should have taken a stand and said “No, Kyle! You didn’t steal it, I did!” Shameful. Anyway, 28 years later, Kyle is a stripper at a gay nightclub.

Image credits: Flashy_Contract_969


I once ate a party platter of delicious tropical fruit during a tour in Honduras and blamed it on monkeys.

Image credits: Rumpleshite


Circa 2004. In first grade, I was your typical gifted kid (since turned burnout of course). I absolutely loved my teacher. One day, I arrived to a new face greeting me at the classroom door. This was the first time I’d ever encountered a substitute teacher. This sub in particular was a mean, nasty woman who reeked of cigarettes. Within the first hour of class, she told me to shut up. I had never been in trouble at school before, and those two words broke my little teacher’s pet heart. Yes, this is my villain origin story, OP. I immediately decided to plan my escape.

At lunch and recess, I grabbed my backpack, jacket, and rain boots and walked straight out the front door. I still have no idea how a 5 year old could walk out the front doors of a school completely unnoticed. Nonetheless, there I was. The world was my oyster. I walked straight home singing “I’m going home and nobody can stop me, HA HA HA HA HA” (to the tune of Old MacDonald) for 4 kilometres. I had done it. I was home free!

When I got there, I saw my babysitter’s car in the driveway. Filled with panic, I remembered that my little brother had stayed home sick today. Terrified of disappointing my babysitter, I had to make a decision. Return to the bad lady at school, or face the wrath of a 20 year-old girl who, in all reality, would have just been completely stunned? I chose the former, and BOLTED up the hill in our town another 4 kilometres in the pouring rain.

Soaking wet, I ran through the side entrance of the school adjacent to the playground, put my bag back in my locker, and sprinted into my classroom. The substitute stared at me for a second. I thought I was toast! After what felt like forever, she barked at me to change out of my rain boots and put on my indoor shoes. I dawned on me that although I must have been gone almost two hours, she hadn’t even noticed I had left. My first jailbreak and my first coverup story, both successful missions!

I never told a soul about my rainy day adventure. If you’re out there, chainsmoker substitute teacher, I hope you’ve found a new career path.

Image credits: perhapsinsightful


I am the culprit of the 1986 pudding cup incident, and not my sister.

Image credits: PancakeExprationDate


My deepest darkest secret is that I still sleep with a nightlight on because I’m afraid of the dark. Don’t judge me, it’s comforting okay?!

Image credits: corpetamaliu


I’ve wanted to leave my current relationship for over 8 years. 

Image credits: Fr05tby73


I stole my brother’s Ghostbusters T-shirt and made an email account from the “Shirtnapper” to ransom it back to him as a mystery for him to solve. Unfortunately, he died a few weeks later before never noticing the emails.

Image credits: tessmarye1


When I was young my little brother and I were fighting. Later in the day I was going to make myself some nachos, we had a big tub of nacho cheese from Costco.

He asked me to make him some. I put my balls in his nacho cheese. I’ve never told anyone.

Image credits: Bango-Skaank


I should be in jail for a DUI. Last year I crashed my car into a phone box, drunk and no suspended license I just KNEW I was going to jail. But I thought quickly and called the cops first, said a tow truck cut me off and I over adjusted. Guy even ran my expired license and just gave it back to me. Think my registration was suspended too. Car was totaled but I was less than a block away from home so he just let me walk and that was the end of it. Everyday I think about how incredibly lucky I am to be alive and on the outside and I’ve been sober since that day.

Image credits: PhantomRoyce


I am still hopelessly, madly in love with my ex. I can be friends and have a great time…. but how do I control it? If she found out she’d never talk to me again and that would terrible. It’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. She’s just…. so perfect.

Image credits: Thomas_Celtic33


Back in the day I would go to Walmart and k mart and wipe the hard drives of every pc on display once every 2 or 3 weeks… I did this for a couple of years. I taught a friend to format from the c prompt and he started doing it too and he taught a person… after a while all the pcs on display at the mega stores for like 20 counties around us were periodically being formated and erased. Years later I was talking to a guy who had worked for Walmart for like 30 years and he was telling me how “someone” used to format all the pcs in the 2 Walmart he worked in.. he worked in the 2 counties I frequented most… funny thing was they actually set up a “sting” operation to catch the felonius formatter and dude was paid over time to walk the electronics section as a plain clothed customer for like 3 months and never caught the person…even tho I’m pretty sure I was still formatting the drives periodically… some how we missed each other hahaha… for the record I was only blowing off steam and figured that what I was doing was harmless shinanigans… I’ve never been in any kind of trouble with the law and I didn’t grow up to be a serial killer… but every now and then when I walk thru a pc store I get the itch….

Image credits: Beneficial_Treat_131


Stole a hair chopstick at a department store when I was a kid because it looked like a fairy wand.


In 5th grade This kid had brought sunflower seeds to school and wouldn’t share with me come lunch time we’re all going to the cafeteria and I tell my teacher I forgot my lunch box even though I’ve never brought my own lunch that whole year so I had back up the room alone. I took the sunflower seeds from his desk and secretly ate them shell and all throughout lunch and on the way back to class I slipped them in another person’s bag. He immediately noticed his sunflower seeds were gone upon arriving back to his desk and made a big deal over it which caused the teacher to check everyone’s bags and desks when she found them in the “teachers pet/ class snitch” bag. The humiliation of his crying about how he didn’t take them and ruining the view the teacher had of him was the least violent revenge of him snitching on anyone for anything he’d ended up in in school suspension for 3 days. killed 2 birds with one stone that day and never felt guilty about it.

Image credits: DD_CloutGod